Jokes to brighten up the NEW YEAR =D
ENJOY!!!!!



A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me
why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, yes!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That
consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I
don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."



[Joke - Chinese mathematic]

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two
weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for
the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks
out.The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese
for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother
to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ah, the mind of the Chinese...



Subject: Hi For your stressssful day

Topic at work. Read it, it's interesting.
Hahaha...

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!

1) For your information, please. (FYI)
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2) Noted and returned.
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3) Review and comment.
Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4) Action please.
Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5) For your necessary action.
It's your headache now.

6) Copy to.
Here's a share of the headache.

7) For your approval, please.
Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8) Action is being taken.
Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.

9) Your letter is receiving our attention.
We are still trying to figure out what you want.

10) Please discuss.
I don't know what the "f" this is, so please brief me.

11) For your immediate action.
Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble.

12) Please reply soon.
Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13) We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant
authorities.
They are causing the delay, not us.

14) Regards.
Thanks for reading all the bullshit.



Jokes for the week


The Eternal Optimist

Josh lived in a small town and was well know for being the eternal optimist.
No matter how horrible a situation was, Josh could always think of a way it
could be worse. Eventually, everyone in town tired of hearing him say that,
so they decided to tell him a lie.

"Josh, did you hear that Rick found his wife in bed with another man last
night? He shot the man and then himself. Isn't that horrible?"

"Yes, that is horrible," Josh replied. "It could have been worse though."

"How could THAT possibly be worse?"

"Had it been the night before," Josh said, "I'd be dead!"
==================================================

Honeymoon Pranks

The wedding date was set and three of the groom's best friends, a carpenter,
an electrician and a dentist, were deciding what pranks they would play on
the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that sawing the slats off their bed would give them a
couple of laughs.

The electrician decided that wiring their bed with alternating current would
be worth a chuckle or two.

The dentist wouldn't reveal what he had done, but wore a sly grin and
promised that his prank would be a memorable one.

The wedding went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's three
friends receive a letter which read:

Dear Friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed and the electric shock was merely a
minor setback. But, I am going to strangle the wise guy who put the
novocaine in the vaseline!
==================================================

Tooth Extraction

An attractive young lady was at the dentist for a tooth extraction. He gave
her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" line before bending over her with the
proper tool in his hand.

Suddenly, he drew back in complete alarm. "Excuse me, miss," he said in a
barely audible whisper, "but you have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, I know," she said with a slight grin, "and we aren't going to hurt
each other, now are we?"
==================================================

Sex vs Bowling

Why do women prefer sex over bowling?
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The balls are lighter and there's no need to change your shoes.
==================================================

Cancelled Flight

A crowded flight was cancelled and a single agent was in the process of
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an irate
passenger pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter
and said, "I MUST be on this flight and it must be FIRST CLASS!"

"I'm sorry sir," the agent replied. "I will be more than happy to try to
help you, but I must help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

Unimpressed, he yelled so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you
have ANY idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone, "May I have your attention please?" her voice bellowed through
the terminal. "There is a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
HE IS! If there is anyone who can help him find his identity, please come to
the gate."

With the passengers behind him laughing hysterically, he glared at the
agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Fuck you!"

Without batting an eye, the agent smiled at him and said, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
==================================================

Nutrition Class

Conducting a class in nutrition, the teacher asked her students if they
could name the four qualities of mother's milk.

Little Johnny began to wave his hand frantically. "I know, I know," he
called out.

Although apprehensive, since no one ever knew what little Johnny was going
to come out with, the teacher called on him.

Little Johnny proudly stood up and said, "It's fresh, it's nutritious, it's
always served at room temperature and, best of all, it comes in an awesome
container!"
==================================================

Attractive Teacher

A young, attractive teacher was concerned about one of her twelve year old
students. She took him aside after class one day and asked, "Matthew, is
there any particular reason why your schoolwork has been so poor lately?"

"I can't seem to concentrate," replied Matthew. "I think I've fallen in
love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back a smile. "With whom have you
fallen in love?"

"With you!" Matthew declared.

"But Matthew," exclaimed the rather flattered teacher, "don't you see how
silly that is? It's a fact that I would like a husband of my own someday,
but I certainly don't want a child."

"Oh, you don't have to worry," replied Matthew, "I'll be careful."
==================================================

Grabbing a Quickie

Bill and Carol lived in a small city apartment and decided that the only way
they could grab a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in
the apartment, was to send him out on the balcony and instruct him to report
on all the neighborhood activities. They figured that spying, to a young
boy, would be a lot of fun and would distract him for a while.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into motion.

"Someone's car is being towed from the parking lot," he said. "A fire truck
just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Martin's riding a new bike," he called out to his
parents. "It looks like the Hudsons have company and the Caldwells are
having sex."

His parents immediately bolted upright in bed, "How do you know that?" his
startled mother asked.

"Their kid, Jimmy, is standing out on the balcony too!" the boy replied.
==================================================

City Park Statues

For many years, two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a
city park. One day an angel appeared and said, "Since the two of you have
been such exemplary statues, I a going to grant you your greatest wish. I
shall bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you may
do whatever you desire." With a clap of the angel's hands, the two statues
came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other shyly and then dove behind some tall
bushes. The angel grinned and listened as the statues giggled and laughed,
bushes rustled and twigs snapped. Fifteen minutes later, the statues emerged
from the bushes smiling and looking satisfied.

"You still have fifteen minutes left," the angel said with a wink.

The female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! But this time,
YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its head."
==================================================

Titanic Video vs Clinton Video

Some interesting similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton
Grand Jury testimony video:-

Titanic Video: $9.99 on internet
Clinton Video: $9.99 on internet

Titanic Video: Over three hours long
Clinton Video: Over three hours long

Titanic Video: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton Video: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic Video: Villain: White Star Line
Clinton Video: Villain: Ken Starr

Titanic Video: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton Video: Bill is a B.S. artist

Titanic Video: Jack enjoys a good cigar in one part.
Clinton Video: Ditto for Bill

Titanic Video: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton Video: Ditto for Monica

Titanic Video: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton Video: Let's not go there

Titanic Video: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton Video: Monica is forced to return her gifts

Titanic Video: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton Video: Behind the scenes: Bill's approval rating is 70%

Titanic Video: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton Video: Bill goes home to Hillary
==================================================

life in the old dog yet?

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him
how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you
think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a
story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But
one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his
umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his
umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know
what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear
dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting
at..." replied the doctor.
==================================================

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed
good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared
and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without
hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to
Natalie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row - too
expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again
the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went
upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. No one has ever
used me three nights in a row. "Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "Michigan."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in "Michigan"

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
==================================================

Long Flight

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain
announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is
nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled,
but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly
just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our
arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don't worry we still have
one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked,
"If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
==================================================

Future Minister

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his
mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a
minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and
listen."
==================================================

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am
to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what
is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
==================================================

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that
won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would
you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then
answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you
like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie,
please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the
face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's
pronounced 'quiche'."
==================================================

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the
counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a
job."

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got
a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive a big black Mercedes. Suits,
shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals
will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady
on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The man said, "You're bullshitting me, man."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
==================================================

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the
photo and slowly nods, adding, "I didn't realize you had a prescription.