An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what? Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
-Debbie7/24/2004 04:38:00 AM
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!Call when it is safe for me to come home.
-Debbie7/24/2004 04:22:00 AM
kapoed all this from haha.com. haha.
Blonde in Disguise
A blonde wanted to buy a TV, so she went into the store. She found one she wanted, and asked the shop assistant what the price was. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was. The blonde walked out, and got her hair colored into red. Next day, she walked in, and asked the shop assistant how much her chosen TV was. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was again. She was confused. So, again, she walked out. She got her hair colored into black. Next day, she walked in, and asked how much was her chosen TV. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes!" his reply was again. Now the blonde was really confused. "How did you know I was a blonde?" asked the girl. "Well, because what you've got there is a microwave. "
The Blonde Painter
One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and say, "HI,is there anything I could do for your house or u???" The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage." The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?" The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?" The quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!" 25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?" surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money" he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!"
Deer Tracks
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Have another Drink
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The brunette says to the barkeep, "I'd like a BL." The bartender replies, "What's a BL?" The brunette answers in a snotty voice, "A Bud Light. DUH!"So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redhead says, "I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" The redhead answers, as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!" After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert, turns to the blonde.She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks and then says, "Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML is a Miller Lite. But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."The blonde rolls her eyes, tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven and Seven. DUH!"
Locked Out
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:Blonde #1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" Blonde #2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down
-Debbie7/24/2004 04:08:00 AM
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Wackiness: 68/100
Rationality: 64/100
Constructiveness: 18/100
Leadership: 56/100
You are a WRDL--Wacky Rational Destructive Leader. This makes you an enemy of the state. You are charismatic and winning and a very dangerous enemy. You favor justice over compassion, and would almost rather see your opponent fail than you succeed.
You impact the lives of those around you more than any other personality. People remember your name and respect you. You are a tremendous amount of fun to be around and astonishing to watch. You are generally abstinent in your habits, and you like things tidy and ordered.
When picking teams, it is smartest for others to pick yours
------------------
Your score as a human being is 73.65.
Middle of the road, eh? Does that mean you're yellow? Yellow as a salamander frying on blacktop? Yellow as a urinal cake? Yellow as a delicious marshmallow Peep? Mmmm. Peep. Sometimes I think if it weren't for Just Born candy, I would just expel my life force and expire. Hot Tamales. Mike and Ikes.
But I digress.
Nicely done. You are robustly average, and I approve of it.
----------------------
(i did this pretending it meant school)
Your job's score is 46.
Your job is mind-bendingly bad. So incredibly bad. So shooting-spree inducing bad. Why are you in it? Is it deeply rewarding work? Are there a few kindred co-workers whose positive spin make the whole mess bearable? Are you shlepping through two more years of this hell so you can escape into a well-respected, well-salaried position? You had better hope at least one of the above is true, or otherwise your life is on a one-way train to Stinksville. You like that? I made it up myself.
